Raving Mad: A Selfatorial

I feel as though I am at a crossroads of sorts and felt like spilling my guts.

I have a lot of thoughts. I get the feeling that I have more thoughts than most people or at least that I seem to unburden myself of these thoughts more than most people bother to... or maybe its just that my recently discovered self-awareness has me acutely present to all these thoughts. Yeah, I meditate. In a way. Meditation is not the clearing of the mind in the way people think. People think you meditate to clear your thoughts and go blank. Nah. You meditate so you can pick out which thoughts are relevant and which thoughts are just complete horse shit your mind made up to confuse you. No, not to confuse... to amuse... to occupy you.

As a kid I really loved my wild and sometimes too vivid imagination. I created so many realities and lived within them so easily as though they were real and found it hard to understand why other people couldn’t see things the way I could. I was that little girl who couldn’t give up her princess dreams even when other girls had given up their dolls and fairy tales for high heels and boys. I created a world in my head where the only thing that mattered was that one day I’d be someone’s princess, where magic exists, where you can see fairies if you look hard enough, where I was a special girl with special powers and no one knew it.

It was all very entertaining, but society really didn’t care about my fantasy world. Society didn’t care if it made me happy. Society said I needed to adjust to “normal” life. Adjust your expectations so you won’t be so disappointed in the world. Dream, yes, but dream realistic dreams. You can believe you’re special if it helps motivate you, but you really aren’t special.

I don’t know when I stopped dreaming.

Maybe I haven’t, maybe its just morphed into another form. It feels a lot more like spontaneous, reckless, adult-life resistance than anything. I resist all aspects of this life on this planet among these people: the arbitrary adherence to this made up concept of linear time, the rat race, the dependence on money, relationships, happiness, anything! There are so many rules you have to follow just to survive and they are ALL made up rules. Sure, fine I get why they exist and I even follow most of them. What makes them stupid is that you can follow all the rules and still not get what’s promised. Because the world doesn’t like rules. Even physics doesn’t follow all the rules and restrictions we place on it.

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I guess what I’m trying to say is that I didn’t like you, society. I didn’t like that you didn’t like me and my dreams and my weird-ass way of thinking and living, but I followed your stupid rules to try to get “ahead” in life or do whats expected of me or get the money I would need to feel comfortable and safe and guess what, your rules don’t work. Some very wise yet very fucked up people once taught me that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results... so I’m resigning from my place in society. No, I’m not going to go live in a cave on a mountain far from the rest of humanity (although that is extremely tempting and quite honestly exactly what my gut instinct is telling me...) but I’m also not going to live by your arbitrary rules anymore.

It cannot be said that I’ve taken the safe route in my life by any means. I actually seem to always go for the “road less traveled” and duh its harder. A good friend of mine always gives me the safest most practical advice, “take the salaried job over the sales job, toss that dress you never wear, buy the navy instead of the neon”. I’m just a neon kind of girl. I used to advise people all the time that we have to live within society’s rules and no one wants to hire outlandish people with neon hair and tattoos. I used to say that people who fought the idea were just childish. But maybe they're not childish. Maybe they just don’t give a shit about impressing anyone and really, why should they?

I’m not sure at what point in my life it became so important to me to prove myself, but it turned into an inner conflict between needing to prove myself and needing to prove my naysayers right with some good old fashioned self-sabotage. This kind of cycle often results in stagnation, burn-out, insanity, depression, anxiety, confusion, identity-crises, BPD, OCD, and oh am I just naming mental disorders now? Yes, I am. I completely blame society for most of these issues if not all of them. But I'm not willing to get into a political or medical debate about that. Suffice it to say that had I not latched onto the concepts and beliefs and rules of modern society god only knows how different my life would be. It might not be any different at all and maybe I would have made all the same choices. Either way, life's just not this straight lined, black and white, time bound thing with distinct purposes and paths. Its honestly just whatever. So do whatever and stop trying to fit your round peg in a square hole.